Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love

I'm going back to text as I don't trust myself to speak right now without breaking down crying. The song is called "Sometimes It Hurts" by Stabbing Westward.

Anyone who has known me to any degree over the last 11 years has also known my service dog, Icon. He is the friendliest, happiest, most forgiving soul anyone has ever had the honor of knowing. It didn't matter who you were, your views on dogs, or anything else. If you knew Icon, you loved him. Even people who were absolutely terrified of dogs loved him.

11 years ago, I was in California with my dad for a three week training course. 11 years ago today, I had just been teamed up with Icon, knowing we'd be team mates. What I didn't realize at that time is how smart he was. How funny he was. How loving he was. How amazingly stubborn he was.

Icon has more personality and more emotional depth to him than just about any human I've ever met. Despite being unable to say words, he never once let that stop him from communicating and telling me what he thought. His facial and body expressions were amazing. The different levels of wagging his tail, or even panting to "talk" since he wasn't allowed to bark without a direct command.

There are millions of stories I could tell about Icon. I think, this time, I'll share one I've told only a few people. While we were still in training, but after we were allowed to bring the dogs back to our rooms, my dad and I were playing with Icon. We had him jump up on to a bed and told him to roll over. Always eager to please, he rolled...right off of the bed and on to the floor. He jumped up and looked confused as to how he got there. We told him to jump on to the bed and roll over again. Again, he landed on the floor with some confusion. Finally, with the third attempt, my dad stood next to the bed so Icon couldn't roll off of the bed. As he rolled over into my dads legs, he finally understood what had happened before. This allowed him to figure out how to roll over without rolling off of the bed.

Tomorrow, 11 years and a day after we had been matched up, I will have to take Icon to the vet to be put to sleep. He has severe arthritis due to old age, and I know he is ready for the end to come. He has had a long, noble life. He has been loved and spoiled in more ways than I can even remember. It would be unfair to such a noble spirit to drag it out any longer. Unfair to wait until his body shuts down entirely and he dies of a heart attack, a stroke, or being unable to breathe. It has already been unfair to him to force him to retire. He loved his job. Going places with me, meeting new people, helping me with things I can not do myself. It defined who he was as much as any thing else did.

Icon has been my best friend, my confidante, my constant companion for 11 years. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself. He has been so much more than just a dog. There are no words to explain what Icon is to me. And tomorrow...I lose him.

Goodbye, my noble friend. I will miss you, and losing you will hurt more than I can say.

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lYdP1a7dbA

My soul, my mind is held magnetically.

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkeJjdfqMUo

One day love will find you; break those chains that bind you

I've been considering for a couple days what song to use next and this came to me in a moment of inspiration. The song is called "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" by one of the musical juggernauts of the 80's, Journey. Like Depeche Mode, I was raised listening to these guys.

I know a lot of people are happy being single and are more than content going through their life in such a manner. For those, you will be totally unable to relate to this blog entry. I am the opposite. I have long sought after love, and the happiness of sharing my life with another. I've been wanting to get married since I was 18, though I know now I wasn't ready then. I believe I am ready now, though, so I seek. Being single has felt like being chained down to a life I do not want and never asked for.

I have been engaged once and in another serious relationship in the past. Both of these times, it finally felt like my life was on the right track. Obviously, they didn't last as I realized I was with the wrong person. It made me happy for a time, but it was not what I was seeking. When the relationships came to an end (or the knowledge arrived that they would end), it felt like I was shackled again.

I am in a relationship again now. I am very happy with this girl. Things feel differently, and I feel like maybe those chains are finally being broken instead of just temporarily broken.

I hope so.

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoWGGGfTD2A

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again

Love Song is a classic song, originally done by The Cure, one of the great bands of the 80's. However, this version is by a Persian band called Niyaz. I don't normally like covers, but there's something oddly addicting about this one. And haunting.

I'll keep this entry short, as there's not a lot to say. This song has had me thinking about what it's like to spend time alone with someone you love. The amazing feelings that wash over both of you. Even if you're just sitting together and watching a movie, or playing a game, or simply talking. I miss a lot of things from being in a relationship, but spending alone time with a woman I love easily tops the list of things I miss. I hope to get it back soon.

Here's the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STznwQtZstI&NR=1

Sweetest infection of body and mind

I seem to return to Depeche Mode about every other post, don't I? This is why I love them so much. Their songs all touch me in different ways, and are very thought provoking. This song was written when the guys were all high and is actually talking about drugs. I choose to think of it in a different way, though. It is called Sweetest Perfection.

When a person falls in love, it can have a powerful effect on them. It can change their life, down to the way they think. It consumes them whole and, when it is a good love, raises them up to be better than they ever could have before.

Sadly, when it is a bad love the person who is caught up in the emotions can't see what it's doing. They feel happy and think things are great, but those around them can see their world falling apart and making unneeded and unhealthy sacrifices for a poisonous aspect in their life. I almost did this seven years ago and am so thankful I realized what was going on before I married a woman who would've made me miserable.

I have also experienced the good side of things. A woman who accepted me for who I was and wanted to raise me up. Unfortunately, this did not last. Their were complications and it fell apart. I miss it desperately, and hope I can one day find it again without the complications.

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_14UyytkcM